(no subject)

I'm the luckiest girl ever
...oh..and word spreads insanely fast at huron.
afterschool Matt grabbed me, dipped me, and kissed me...in front of all his friends,
and all my friends from the musical
which led to a lot of them being like...holy shit...when did this happen,
and Addison almost shitting his pants when he realised it was me being kissed.
I swear...5 minutes later in the caf..I had like...3 people come up to me and ask me when Matt and I started dating.
I love that boy
there I openly said it.
but I think its been obvious for a while
but hey..
doesn't everyone love their best friend?
I've never dated my bestfriend before
but thats what he is..
and I just want to scream out to everyone that I LOVE IT.
but I think He already did a pretty good job of that.
I feel like some princess
who just found prince charming,
and is still getting used to being breathless.

ciao bella/o
xxooxxoo
shanna

holy fuck

holy fuck.
awesome show last night.
I stayed 100percent sober cuz I'm cool like that. Azgard rocked my socks..and many other things as well. Me and Julie Skanked together during all that moshing, and it was majorly hot. Kristen definately made my hair into a mane/fauxhawk. Almost smoked Ryan in the face, missed Dan alot. Vented to Steph cuz shes cool like that.
I love that I am now a Ska kid that can Throwdown ...holyfuck. I definately got smoked in the Jaw by some guy who was throwing down.
I'll have to post a more coherent update when my jaw stops throbbing.
Collapse )

and swear this year will be better than the last

Don't even take a breath
The air is cut with cyanide
In honor of the New Year

The press gives us cause to celebrate
The air raid sirens
Flood barbed wire skylines
With artificial night,
As we sleep to burn the red
From our bloodless eyes.
Tonight we're all time bombs on fault lines

Have we lost everything now?
Walking like each other's ghosts
Around these silent streets
The sedatives tell you everything is alright

Like calendars dying
At New Year's Eve parties
As we kiss hard on the lips
And swear this year
Will be better then the last
Jet Black - the ink that spells your name
Jet Black - The blood that's in your veins
Jet Black
We say, "How long can we take this chance not to celebrate?"

There's music playing
Though we dance to the beat
Of our own black hearts
And draw diagrams
Of suicide on each other's wrists
Then trace them with razorblades

Fire to flames
"Strike Match."

Burn these words from our lips
As 'The Dagger' screams
"Love is dead"
and it's a "newspaper tragedy,"

Have we lost what we love?
Have we said everything?

Does it change anything?
Stare at the clock
Avoid at all costs,
This emptiness.

Have we lost everything now?
Walking like each other's ghosts
Around these silent streets
the sedatives tell you everything is alright

Like calendars dying
at New Year's Eve parties
As we kiss hard on the lips
and swear this year
will be better then the last

Have we lost everything now?
Walking like each other's ghosts
Around these silent streets
The sedatives tell you everything is alright

Like calendars dying
at New Year's Eve parties
So we kiss hard on the lips
and we swear that this year… this year

Ten seconds left until midnight
nine chances to drown ourselves in black hair dye
eight faces turned away from the shock
seven windows and
six of them were locked
five stories falling
forever and ever
three cheers to the mirror
now there are two of us
can we have one last dance?

Jet Black - the ink that spells your name
Jet Black - The blood that's in your veins
Jet Black
We say, "How long can we take this chance not to celebrate?" [x2]



____

can anyone send me that song??
I'm not sure what its called..but I think its by Thursday..and I love the lyrics so I hope I love the song

oh man

"She could see from my face that I was, Fucking High."



I think this is the most open I've ever been about it..and this is just telling the three people that I know that read this. But even that is a big step for me..because I'm so terrified that I'm going to be seen as a fake, and thats the last thing I want.
Telling him, seems so huge to me...and I just can't.
It's stupid..but I'm hoping it just goes away even though I know it wont.
I'm wishing every chance I get and hoping non-stop that it just goes away, because I hate having to do this. I hate feeling like I'm falling.
and I hate crying, I cried at school today and I never do that.
I can't tell him because I don't want to rely on him, I'm such a hypocrite.
I don't want to let myself realize how good of a thing I've got with him, because I don't want him to be worried about me. I don't want him to be annoyed by me.
I just want to be there for him, I wish I didn't have to have anyone there for me.
I hate that feeling, feeling like I need a fucking support group.
Even though I know I always have one, because my friends are always there for me.
But I hate feeling like I need them, I hate having to worry them about it.
But I feel so badly like I need him right now. Today at lunch I just wanted to go and find somewhere to sit with him so I could just cry and be comforted, but I couldn't do that to him.
gah I'm sorry this is so long..i'm just dumping everything again.
I just don't want to rely on him because I've been there and I've done that and it sucks when they leave..and they always do.
I want to tell him, but I have to say I love you first.
because I do love him. It's too early to say if I'm in love...but I know that I love him, and I know that if i'd let myself...I could love him with all my heart.



I just can't let myself ever fully be 'with him'...because when that happens I know I'll get hurt.


Ciao Bella/o

oh gawd

most embarassing conversation ever.

{im sitting reading and Julies talking to me}

Julie: hey Shanna....wanna hang out this weekend?

Me: I think I have plans with Dan this weekend

Julie: you see him alot

Me: yeah I love it

julie: Why?

Me: Because its Dan

Julie: Why?

Me: Because I love it

Julie: Why?

Me: Because I love Dan.

(2 minutes later)

I MEAN IT! I LOVE IT!

...
yeah......
did I mention I hate this..

its so much worse

ugh I thought I was done. I thought I was actualy done with this, because he made it all feel so much better, but now I've started again and I can feel myself being pulled down.
One of my friends made a joke about cutting..and 90% of the time I'm fine with it, but this time it just made me feel like a jerk. I hate this. I can feel myself falling. I can't focus anymore, I'm back to having moments where I can't breathe and I feel like the whole world is sitting on my chest. I started feeling like that today at lunch when I was clinging to Dan and I felt like he was the only thing keeping me from collapsing on the floor.
I just really hate this. I should be so damn happy with Dan but I just can't. I mean yeah I'm deliriously happy with him...but at the same time I'm falling apart. And theres only this one stupid thing that makes me feel better. Damn it I feel like such a jerk. But I'm falling apart again.
I'm at the point where I just want to lay down and cry all day..and I wish I could sit and talk about it with Dan cuz I know he'd at least try and make me feel better. But I'm afraid I'll start crying and I don't want to do that.
Fuck..I just hate this. I hate being like this. I just want to be happy. I know that either tommorrow or in a few days I'll feel fine and happy again...but it only lasts for a day or two..and then I'm back to this...thats how it always happens...Damn it. I want so badly to be happy.

Ciao Bella/o

(no subject)

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn?t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.